Illuminating DBT

Dialectical Behavior Therapy is the form of therapy that makes the most sense to me, and has helped me a lot in life.  Marsha Linehan's creation, DBT, blends some eastern philosophy with some more straight up behaviorism, and allows space for complexity, without focusing too much on our pasts.

An idea came to me that I would like to try blogging about and here is where I start.

I am going to take one of DBT's concepts, each month and blog about how I attempt to practice it in my life.


I have developed a bit of ba-humbug attitude about Christmas.  While I used to enjoy the festivities and that "feeling in the air", I've since decided, it doesn't really exist. My adult version of realizing that there is no Santa Claus, is the acceptance of the fact that there is nothing really new or exciting that is going to happen this Christmas.   I'm tired of participating in that collective expecting, only to ultimately feel kinda let down.

Now I could psycho-analyze that and reflect on why I might feel this way--  Is this aversion to the holiday about never really getting what I wanted on Christmas as a child?  I wanted a cabbage patch kid, but got Grandma's homemade cabbage patch doll, in which she sewed the body and attached an imitation head bought at the fabric store.  Or that in seventh grade I secretly wanted to ask for a psychologist for my family and myself for Christmas?  Or maybe that I never had the guts to ask for what I really wanted?

Possibly all of the above.  But what I've got to work with is what I have now.  And what I've got is a pessimistic attitude towards the holidays.  So, my first DBT technique will work on challenging this attitude.

Doing the Opposite

This first month, December of 2012, I'd like to blog about "doing the opposite".

If a person has a tendency to emotionally react to a situation in a way that might be unrealistic, out of proportion, or "escalating", DBT offers a technique to challenge that emotion.  This is simply by acting in a manner that is opposite of one's initial reaction.  

Not to say, let's go and invalidate every feeling we have and turn into Dr. jekyll and Mr. Hyde, but I do find some validity in this concept.  In moments of depression, I have forced myself to do the opposite of isolating, and instead have thrown myself into work with my students.  It has often had tremendous results, and so I'd like to explore this more.  

I think my pessimism towards the holidays is a really good opportunity for me to try out "doing the opposite".

Now, my unexcitement for Christmas is relatively new.  It has crept up on me slowly and I"m afraid is indicative of larger sentiments and attitudes I have been accumulating.  I think I've come to realize that many adults enjoy the holidays when they get to see Christmas through a child's eyes-  to somehow re-experience the wonder that we believe children feel at the idea of Santa Claus and dreams coming true.  

The ba-humbug in me could say I have no children in my personal life that I can share that joy with.  I'm single w/o kids, I don't have any nieces or nephews yet, and I don't live close by enough to my friends who have kids to really be a part of their worlds.  I don't even have a pet to dress up and take a stupid picture of!   I'm old enough that I've done the reminiscent holiday and watched "A Christmas Story" and "Home Alone".  I've made ginger bread houses, decorated the house, and done the Kris Kringle markets and watched Elf.  I enjoyed these things, but i've started to lose the feeling.  Even reminiscing feels "old". 

So how do I cope with this scenario?  I don't want to be a ba-humbug...and I've been realizing lately how I want to be part of a family.  I am going to approach this month with "doing the opposite."

Instead of avoiding the symbols that i've come to distaste, I am going to find ways to embrace the holiday.

"Bah! Humbug" Reversed

Here are my ideas for "doing the opposite" in relation to my Holiday pessimism:


Refrain from shopping for the month of December:

Now this is a tough one.  I feel that one of the things that makes me pessimistic about Christmas is that I  don't have anything "new" and "exciting" to celebrate--no baby, no new love, no new plans.  And so new "things" can often be a real teaser.    I can't tell you enough how I am addicted to checking groupons and online shopping pages and often feel better about getting dressed in the morning if I have something "new" to wear.

But it is against my beliefs.  Material things don't make us happier people.   A scientist recently predicted that centuries from now, when humans have died out and the earth is "recovering", a considerable percentage of the landfill we have left behind will be plastic items, especially children's toys.  They are cheap items that our cultures have created to make children "happy".  That is really depressing to me--the landfill part.  Because as many of us know, most of these toys accumulate in closets and basements and are barely played with in comparison to electronics.
Just the same way that material things i buy for myself offer fleeting fulfillment.  Fulfillment that is not relative to the waste all of this consumerism produces.  But I'm going to avoid my politics and deal with my opposite action, since I too, have the desire to buy new things.


Hold Sixteen Small Dinner Parties:

Okay, so maybe not sixteen.  But many.  I have so many friends and family who have been so generous to me.  And now its time for me to treat them.  And I'm not going to make it convenient...(that's another urge I want to do the opposite of) and throw one large party like I've done in previous years.  No, i want to host small dinner parties so that I can share intimate moments with people who are dear to me.


Write or Call friends who I've lost touch with:

Just because I'm not sending a photo postcard with a growing family doesn't mean that people don't want to hear from me.  I love the Smiths line , "writing Christmas cards, with an utter disdain," because in many cases, the great Christmas card exchange is a superficial act.  So I am looking for ways to make it mine.  What I always did like was the Valentine card exchange in school.  It was pretty damn exciting to see what risks everyone would take and if I'd get any "nuggets" to take home, read into, slip into my diary and keep for months.  Maybe I could send out flirtatious cards or notes or emails to people in my life... or maybe I'll just find an old fashioned way to re-connect with friends I've grown distant from...


Volunteer or Just be more Generous
I can be kinda selfish at times.  Now there may be some good reasons why...but what an ever better reason to try "doing the opposite" and being more generous in general.  Not necessarily with material things, but with compliments, and patience, and optimism...  this is going to be a hard one for me :)