troublekiss

Cu' He Don Like U

2006-02-08T17:39:00.000-08:00

After a lager and a half on a humble wednesday evening, I ventured into the bathroom at the Bishop's Collar to relieve myself. There were 2 other women waiting on the 2 small stalls. One woman finished, allowing one in, and we were wondering what was up with the other stall. The door wasn't all the way closed and a girl in a large red sweatshirt was leaning up against the wall, talking on her cell-phone. I thought it was rude, while a few people were waiting to take up the stall, but i waited. When the 3rd person went into the one available stall, I really wondered what this stall-hogger was on. So i lightly tapped on her door and asked, "Can i use the bathroom?" No response. So i waited my turn, used the other stall. Now i'm sitting on the pot (finally) merrily peeing, and overhearing this chick on the phone. "But don't you think that's saying something? you never want to come hang out with me..you never visit...why?"

And I don't know if it was a stressful day, or the rudeness of this person, but there was no holding back what followed. In a steady voice i blurted, "Cuz He Don Like U". I then left the stall, washed my hands and giddily returned to my table.

A few moments later, the red sweatshirt walked by, glaring in my direction, the kinda stare only a drunk could maintain. She then perched herself at the edge of the bar, staring at me.

I laughed to myself, avoided eye contact and couldn't wait to fill my friends in on the circumstance. In a younger year, I may have welcomed a confrontation, but I paid my bill, left the bar and then exploded into laughter.

One could say i behaved like a chick from "Mean Girls" but really I just gave a very rude person something to chew on.
And please, the guy doesn't want her...someone had to break it to her :)

Namaste Nightmares

2006-01-23T05:27:00.000-08:00

This morning I awoke relieved to discover that my dreams were not reality. My nightmare unfolded like a suspense-horror film. The day started like any other; my yoga mat in hand, I walked to my regular 5:15 Wednesday class. There were no hints along the way until I rounded the corner to walk upstairs at my gym towards the yoga studio. I saw more people than normal, lined up laying on mats on the floor. Bodies and mats were closer than normal to fit us all in, packed like sujvathsana sardines. The silence was deafening when instead of our guru Renata, the owner of the gym entered the room. He broke the devastating news that the gym would no longer offer yoga classes. That we could practice on our own, or in groups..but there would be no more instructors.
The group quickly divided into pockets of different reactions. One die-hard group went right to down-dog and invincibly went forward with their practice. Others resigned to kick-boxing or step...and then there was my camp. We sobbed and carried on like the poor souls at the Astrodome, weeping on our mats at the loss we had incurred. How could life go on? It would never be the same... (to be continued)

Namaste Nightmares

2006-01-23T05:23:00.000-08:00

Learn From Your Elders

2005-08-03T08:38:00.000-07:00

I DID IT! All you who said I had to pay my cingular bill--in your face! Sorry, I'm so thrilled that I got my roaming charges cut in half. After a week of considering bad credit (in which my friend reminded me i would need to buy a new car next year and finding a real estate opportunity in which i might want a second mortgage). I decided i was too young to hang up my coat and hide from bill collectors.

When I told my friend about my success, she asked, "can you get my bill reduced?"

So I'll tell you how I did it. Most importantly it was not on my own. I did the all famous "conference call" with my father. He is a master of such things...the main qualities my father possesses that lead to his success in bill disputes are as follows: a calm demeanor, "old school" business words like credence and party line (definition is the 1950's version of a conference call !), and a certain aloofness. OH, and don't forget probably the most important TIME to spare and PATIENCE. No matter how savy us young-uns are, there is something to say for the lost quality of aged experience mixed with a genuine aloofness, and half a day to settle a dispute!

I was smart enough to keep my mouth shut for most of our call. It took 3 cingular reps hearing our story to get to someone who actually had the authority to negotiate with us--but we finally got there. But kudos to my dad for his perseverence, skill, and yes, cluelessness. He fought the noble battle for his daughter, and kept out of Iraq references, sware words, and defiance. His daughter needs to take some anger management classes from him :)

I Told Craig's Mom

2005-07-27T11:37:00.000-07:00

I told her what happened when I posted an add on Boston's Craig's list...
So, everyone's seen some of the uncensored pics on craiglist..hell, some of us only open the messages with pics!
But what I experienced goes to new levels--where virtual anonymous offenses meet reality.
So, I posted a harmless ad on women s. women..to hang out with on the cape. I get two particular repsonses that are from couples.

"Are you interested in a couple?" they wrote.
"A couple of what?" I replied.

He proceeded to explain that he was straight, his girlfriend bi...and would like to meet up in P-town for drinks.

I said i wasn't interested. He still sent me a picture.

The next couple had a similar request. This time, less naive, in repsonse to "are you interested" i wrote...

"Do you mean SEX?"

He sheepishly replied..well, drinks , dinner, if we hit it off...sure!

Once again, not interested, but enjoyed making him admit what he wanted.

So, on my own, i go out to Vixen in Ptown to have an adventure. While talking to a nice girl at the bar...i spot them---the bleach blonded barbie/ken couple...their hair so bleached they lit up the dark club. They were so obvious..sitting on the arm chair together peering at the women who they could prey on. The guy so obnoxious, he spoke so loud that everyone overheard him..his lame attempt to try and meet people. And then, even when I offered no eye contact, he demanded to know where i was going when i left the bar to get away from him.

I confided in my new friend who that couple was and how they were desperately trying to arrange a threesome for themselves. It was so great to know who they were, while remaining unknown myself. It really gave me some satisfaction to spread their "motive" to some women i met...it made up for how obnoxious it seemed to assume that lesbians would ever be interested in THAT!

Craig's List

2005-07-27T11:32:00.000-07:00

I am imagining Craig's mom, who lives in a humble house in a suburb of San Fransisco..."Why Craig...you said it was a tasteful way for people, like you and your friends' friends to meet. You showed me how to dial up on the internet and see the web site you created, your "baby", you used to call it. Not many moms knew how to use the internet then, I was one of the proud first...a far cry from a grandchild, but still i was proud. You never did take the straight path--the peace corp and national parks, and living in dingy apartments in Frisco. I was proud. But I have to say I am shocked! I went on your site yesterday, seeing the progress...and there are some awful filthy things. You should be ashamed. Really. And your name is all over the country!"

Craig

2005-07-27T11:30:00.000-07:00

Cutting the Chord

2005-07-27T10:55:00.000-07:00

Ah, sweet confrontation. Sometimes it brings out my better side. So today I ended my 4 year dysfuntional relationship with AT&T/ Cingular Wireless. This summer they couldn't credit my account for roaming charges, like they had done in the past. "Cathy" who couldn't provide me with a contact phone number or email (sure sign of excellent customer service) told me my roaming charges were justified. I said, "and some people say bombing Iraq is justified". This southern belle (at least she's in the domestic US) was silenced. I continued "we're human here, and your customer service isn't what I signed up for with AT&T, so I'd like to cancel. The dumb robotic woman asked, "do you have any friends who would be interested in our service?". I said, "why would I ever recommend this service which i think sucks, hence i'm cancelling my service...?" once again, silenced.

She proceeded to threaten me with cancelling charges, and what our relationship "could have been". I said...your loss...and by the way, i'm not paying any of the bills you send me...get your collecting agents geared up! Have a nice life....

Why does this oddly resemble bad break-ups?

Balloon

2005-04-19T07:03:00.000-07:00

A first grader took out a condom in Spanish class yesterday. He was stretching it, blowing it up, and getting attention from his classmates for his little toy.
When i took it away from him (in a napkin) i asked where he got it. He said at home..."i want my balloon back".
You should have seen this mother's face when i had to ask her to keep her personal things "out of the reach of children"...yet, now she won't be able to reach them...and I think its probably best she does.

ouch..that's harsh--i love her son--- but stupid people are parents.

Assumed Philadelphia Tax

2004-12-16T06:38:00.000-08:00

One can assume, when living in the city of Philadelphia, another tax on top of the city wage tax. It could be known as the "2 per year minimum car stero tax + window replacement tax". This next year, I am wondering if it would pay to send the car stereos directly to city hall instead of having to go through the rigamarole of finding my windows smashed and calling the cops.
However, a nice car mechanic can make up for the feelings of hardship. He gave me a good deal on a used window, not to mention the good samaritan drive to my job.
Oh, and its safe to keep Joni Mitchell and Belle and Sebastian CD's in your car. THEY don't want them. However, Rufus Wainright is HOT in the deliquent urban theft ring.

Do You Pledge Allegiance?

2004-12-02T11:00:00.000-08:00

Last night I saw Kinsey, the movie. It was really good. One of the scenes in particular really struck me because, well, I didn't know other people did that too!

If you saw the movie, and know what i'm talking about, drop a line.

I'm not sure if men do the same.

American Bidet

2004-11-19T05:08:00.000-08:00

I'm going to attempt to write this as discretely as possible.

So, after taking a ____, I really wished I were in Europe. The bidet was a cultural blessing left behind. I mean, this daily function is part of our lives. I sometimes find myself organizing my routine around this bodily function. I love it when it works that I shower afterwards. Not only do I feel purged, but refreshed and squeaky clean.

But its unfortuanate that we haven't incorporated any solution into our daily living to always experience this cleanliness. I don't know if i'm the only one out there, but I've started wishing they would create a special "bidet wipe". The American solution would be to make some disposable something or other that ruins our environment, but keeps us antiseptic.
Have YOU ever wet a tissue or toilet paper and created your own? Answer that honestly. :)

You all probably think I'm the grossest person ever, and this ain't doing much for my love life, but its important to me.

So, someone has to help me--i don't know how to create links, but you've got to go to www.bidet.com

I've realized in the past, anytime i come up with an original idea, its already out there. But i still think someone could take this idea and fly.

Teenage Wasteland

2004-11-18T05:19:00.000-08:00

That's always been one of my favorite expressions, and a recent occurrence with a middle schooler brought it to life again. We were sharing stories of our worst injury ever. When this certain 8th grader who had a history of piercings, hair dye, and breaking the school's uniform code, had her turn to share...

she lifted up her shirt and exposed this rectangular looking burn on her stomach. What is that?...we asked.

"I layed on a curling iron...for like, 15 seconds before i felt the burn."

ouch!

Just imagine what this girl's bedroom is like, and take a trip down memory lane!

A Really Good Movie

2004-11-17T08:31:00.000-08:00

Monday night I rented a great movie called "Broken Wings". Its an Israli film which won a few awards, rightly so.
It'a a family drama, tear-jerker, but really really good.

A Wave from Ellen Degeneris

2004-11-08T04:59:00.000-08:00

She should be so lucky to hang out with us. We pitied poor Ellen Degeneris as she flopped into her pretzel-legged sitting position on the set of her show in NYC yesterday. She was stuck inside working when she could come out with us into the Big Apple to watch the Marathon on a beautiful fall day. Of course, we realized ironically, that it would take a lot to peel us away from watching the set. From a balcony seating, much like the muppets, we perused the crowd below, the Ellen Degeneris crew. Speculation and imagination became one in the same as we created stories to match each person. First, and most importantly, was the Ellen double. She danced around stage in her sneakers, argyle sweater, and short hair so accurately that my friend figured out who the set was for. When we realized this chick was a double for Ellen, we had to find out which people were acting as doubles of the guests for the show. There was a big, bearded Michael Moore look-a-like, a Liza Minelli (!) pink beret lady, some football player with his football prop, and others. What a hoot!

After intense criticism of outfits and style in general, we decided that Ellen would surely be having more fun with us. Just one afternoon was all we wanted, to roam around Central Park with Ellen and have her see how funny we were! Or even to watch her crew from above and make fun of people. I finally decided it was time to move on only after a very gratifying moment. I waved to Ellen and she waved back! A smile and a wave! That was cool. Next time, we'll offer her our autographs.

Honk If You're Depressed

2004-11-04T07:49:00.000-08:00

Yesterday evening I was humbly making my way through Center City towards the Ritz, to see a movie and escape the Bad News Bush. All day I had been down and frustrated. How could this asshole be re-elected? As I passively sat in traffic on Market Street a commotion got my attention. There was a huge mass of people turning onto Market, ignoring the traffic light and parading down the street. I heard honking, and then saw the sign "Honk if you're depressed." I got wrapped up in the moment and honked my horn. Before I knew it I was laughing and making eye contact with the protestors.
There was this warm fuzzy feeling of unity among the Anti-Bush brigade and it made me happy. At least we have a sense of humor.

It helped me to move on a little, and realize we all still exist--fellow intelligent, humane people. And eventually we will feel represented by our leaders. Hopefully.

Halloween Wussies and Pussies

2004-11-01T06:51:00.000-08:00

So at our school's Harvest Festival for elementary students, I was talking to a mother of a first-grader and sixth-grader. It was the 6th grader's birthday and she was taking her friends on the Scarey Tour of the Eastern State Penintentiary. "Have fun," I mentioned to the mother. She asked me if i had been on the tour.
Yes, a few years ago.
Is it scarey?

well, i don't get that scared at those things.

the mother replies. "Well I'm a big PUSSY. I get scared. And my daughters are PUSSIES."

Oh really? I said. I couldn't believe what she was bleating out! With children and adults around! At a school event!

When are "parents" going to realize that they shouldn't try to use colloquial language? I mean, they are removed from contemporary lingo almost by definition of being a parent. It reminded me of a time when my mom first started using the word, "cool" and "sucks". It just doens't jive. Leave our expressions alone and use your own old lingo.
And, WUSS, the word you wanted to use was WUSS!

What do you want to be when you grow up?

2004-10-21T05:32:00.000-07:00

I'm coordinating the yearbook for my school, a k-8 neighborhood school in Philadelphia. My committee of middle school students came up with a survey to gather interesting data on students at our school. One question was, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" You really get insight into kids' minds when you read some of the answers. When you weeded out the basketball and football player reponses...you found some true aspirations. One students indeed wants to be Spiderman. And another wants to "make cereal". I came to the realization that public education works! We are producing students of varying interests to cover all the division of labor in our economy.

convinced

2004-10-21T05:11:00.000-07:00

Ok, I've been convinced to write down some of the things that make me laugh to myself when i'm walking down the street, or make me nearly bust out of my pants before I can find an open ear.

So this morning, I woke up a little dazed after belgian beer f'd me up last night. I quickly took a shower and went into my underwear drawer. Its been a while since laundry day, so i'm down to my default underwear. The lucky pair this morning was a creamsicle-colored thong. Alls well, and then at work I need to use the bathroom. I realize that my thong is on sideways! I have to take off my shoes and pants to correct this problem. And I am now sure why my thongs are default underwear. I mean how comfortable can something be if i'm wearing it sideways and don't even realize it?