The Function of Emotions

Lately, I have been grappling with the functions of my feelings.  I partook in a DBT group in which we picked apart an experience and ultimately named the function of the feeling we had.  The group leader was not very direct and I didn’t feel confident of her knowledge.  She ultimately called most everyone’s function of his or her feeling “self-validation”.  I’m not sure if I agree with her, and it has motivated me to ponder this concept of functions of feelings.

In my day job, as a school psychologist, I’m often examining the function of kids’ behaviors.  They ultimately come down to 2 different functions—getting attention or avoiding something, in other words, attainment or escape.  So, when I am analyzing things through the DBT lens, I am trying to wrap my head around the function of some feelings, and whether they are far off from the function of behaviors.

Feelings are definitely more complex than behaviors because we can experience many of them at once, they are not very observable, and there are 3 different components of an emotion: a subjective component (how we experience the emotion), a physiological component (how our bodies react to the emotion), and an expressive component (how we behave in response to the emotion.)  So, feelings/emotions definitely pose a more complicated element....but in looking at their purpose, it helps me to begin to make sense.  Emotions help us to avoid danger, to make friends, and assess things.  They also motivate us to take action.  Emotions serve an adaptive role in our lives my motivating us to act in ways to increase our chances for success.
But what happens when these pure “adaptive” emotions are messed with? 

 I found blurb in the amazing book, The Drama of the Gifted Child, by Alice Miller that is quite brilliant and helping me understand how corrupted functions can work:



The contempt shown by many disturbed people may have various forerunners in their life history, but the function all expressions of contempt have in common is the defense against unwanted feelings.  Contempt simply evaporates, having lost its point, when it is no longer useful as a shield—against the child’s shame over his desperate unreturned love; against his feeling of inadequacy; or above all against his rage that his parents were not available.  Once we are able to feel and understand the repressed emotions of childhood, we will no longer need contempt as a defense against them.
                     -Alice Miller 



So here, she analyzes the function of contempt.  And she concludes that the function of this emotion is the defense against unwanted feelings.  I need to let this idea marinate.  I, at times, experience contempt..and it makes sense to me that its purpose is to shield me from unwanted feelings.  I want to sit with this and observe it as it happens....and then I want to look at other very limiting expressions of my emotions--such as shutting people out when they want to help...or making myself unrelatable.  I’m thinking these are things I do to shield myself from some awful feelings.   


Illuminating DBT

Dialectical Behavior Therapy is the form of therapy that makes the most sense to me, and has helped me a lot in life.  Marsha Linehan's creation, DBT, blends some eastern philosophy with some more straight up behaviorism, and allows space for complexity, without focusing too much on our pasts.

An idea came to me that I would like to try blogging about and here is where I start.

I am going to take one of DBT's concepts, each month and blog about how I attempt to practice it in my life.


I have developed a bit of ba-humbug attitude about Christmas.  While I used to enjoy the festivities and that "feeling in the air", I've since decided, it doesn't really exist. My adult version of realizing that there is no Santa Claus, is the acceptance of the fact that there is nothing really new or exciting that is going to happen this Christmas.   I'm tired of participating in that collective expecting, only to ultimately feel kinda let down.

Now I could psycho-analyze that and reflect on why I might feel this way--  Is this aversion to the holiday about never really getting what I wanted on Christmas as a child?  I wanted a cabbage patch kid, but got Grandma's homemade cabbage patch doll, in which she sewed the body and attached an imitation head bought at the fabric store.  Or that in seventh grade I secretly wanted to ask for a psychologist for my family and myself for Christmas?  Or maybe that I never had the guts to ask for what I really wanted?

Possibly all of the above.  But what I've got to work with is what I have now.  And what I've got is a pessimistic attitude towards the holidays.  So, my first DBT technique will work on challenging this attitude.

Doing the Opposite

This first month, December of 2012, I'd like to blog about "doing the opposite".

If a person has a tendency to emotionally react to a situation in a way that might be unrealistic, out of proportion, or "escalating", DBT offers a technique to challenge that emotion.  This is simply by acting in a manner that is opposite of one's initial reaction.  

Not to say, let's go and invalidate every feeling we have and turn into Dr. jekyll and Mr. Hyde, but I do find some validity in this concept.  In moments of depression, I have forced myself to do the opposite of isolating, and instead have thrown myself into work with my students.  It has often had tremendous results, and so I'd like to explore this more.  

I think my pessimism towards the holidays is a really good opportunity for me to try out "doing the opposite".

Now, my unexcitement for Christmas is relatively new.  It has crept up on me slowly and I"m afraid is indicative of larger sentiments and attitudes I have been accumulating.  I think I've come to realize that many adults enjoy the holidays when they get to see Christmas through a child's eyes-  to somehow re-experience the wonder that we believe children feel at the idea of Santa Claus and dreams coming true.  

The ba-humbug in me could say I have no children in my personal life that I can share that joy with.  I'm single w/o kids, I don't have any nieces or nephews yet, and I don't live close by enough to my friends who have kids to really be a part of their worlds.  I don't even have a pet to dress up and take a stupid picture of!   I'm old enough that I've done the reminiscent holiday and watched "A Christmas Story" and "Home Alone".  I've made ginger bread houses, decorated the house, and done the Kris Kringle markets and watched Elf.  I enjoyed these things, but i've started to lose the feeling.  Even reminiscing feels "old". 

So how do I cope with this scenario?  I don't want to be a ba-humbug...and I've been realizing lately how I want to be part of a family.  I am going to approach this month with "doing the opposite."

Instead of avoiding the symbols that i've come to distaste, I am going to find ways to embrace the holiday.

"Bah! Humbug" Reversed

Here are my ideas for "doing the opposite" in relation to my Holiday pessimism:


Refrain from shopping for the month of December:

Now this is a tough one.  I feel that one of the things that makes me pessimistic about Christmas is that I  don't have anything "new" and "exciting" to celebrate--no baby, no new love, no new plans.  And so new "things" can often be a real teaser.    I can't tell you enough how I am addicted to checking groupons and online shopping pages and often feel better about getting dressed in the morning if I have something "new" to wear.

But it is against my beliefs.  Material things don't make us happier people.   A scientist recently predicted that centuries from now, when humans have died out and the earth is "recovering", a considerable percentage of the landfill we have left behind will be plastic items, especially children's toys.  They are cheap items that our cultures have created to make children "happy".  That is really depressing to me--the landfill part.  Because as many of us know, most of these toys accumulate in closets and basements and are barely played with in comparison to electronics.
Just the same way that material things i buy for myself offer fleeting fulfillment.  Fulfillment that is not relative to the waste all of this consumerism produces.  But I'm going to avoid my politics and deal with my opposite action, since I too, have the desire to buy new things.


Hold Sixteen Small Dinner Parties:

Okay, so maybe not sixteen.  But many.  I have so many friends and family who have been so generous to me.  And now its time for me to treat them.  And I'm not going to make it convenient...(that's another urge I want to do the opposite of) and throw one large party like I've done in previous years.  No, i want to host small dinner parties so that I can share intimate moments with people who are dear to me.


Write or Call friends who I've lost touch with:

Just because I'm not sending a photo postcard with a growing family doesn't mean that people don't want to hear from me.  I love the Smiths line , "writing Christmas cards, with an utter disdain," because in many cases, the great Christmas card exchange is a superficial act.  So I am looking for ways to make it mine.  What I always did like was the Valentine card exchange in school.  It was pretty damn exciting to see what risks everyone would take and if I'd get any "nuggets" to take home, read into, slip into my diary and keep for months.  Maybe I could send out flirtatious cards or notes or emails to people in my life... or maybe I'll just find an old fashioned way to re-connect with friends I've grown distant from...


Volunteer or Just be more Generous
I can be kinda selfish at times.  Now there may be some good reasons why...but what an ever better reason to try "doing the opposite" and being more generous in general.  Not necessarily with material things, but with compliments, and patience, and optimism...  this is going to be a hard one for me :)

Cu' He Don Like U

After a lager and a half on a humble wednesday evening, I ventured into the bathroom at the Bishop's Collar to relieve myself. There were 2 other women waiting on the 2 small stalls. One woman finished, allowing one in, and we were wondering what was up with the other stall. The door wasn't all the way closed and a girl in a large red sweatshirt was leaning up against the wall, talking on her cell-phone. I thought it was rude, while a few people were waiting to take up the stall, but i waited. When the 3rd person went into the one available stall, I really wondered what this stall-hogger was on. So i lightly tapped on her door and asked, "Can i use the bathroom?" No response. So i waited my turn, used the other stall. Now i'm sitting on the pot (finally) merrily peeing, and overhearing this chick on the phone. "But don't you think that's saying something? you never want to come hang out with me..you never visit...why?"

And I don't know if it was a stressful day, or the rudeness of this person, but there was no holding back what followed. In a steady voice i blurted, "Cuz He Don Like U". I then left the stall, washed my hands and giddily returned to my table.

A few moments later, the red sweatshirt walked by, glaring in my direction, the kinda stare only a drunk could maintain. She then perched herself at the edge of the bar, staring at me.

I laughed to myself, avoided eye contact and couldn't wait to fill my friends in on the circumstance. In a younger year, I may have welcomed a confrontation, but I paid my bill, left the bar and then exploded into laughter.

One could say i behaved like a chick from "Mean Girls" but really I just gave a very rude person something to chew on.
And please, the guy doesn't want her...someone had to break it to her :)

Namaste Nightmares

This morning I awoke relieved to discover that my dreams were not reality. My nightmare unfolded like a suspense-horror film. The day started like any other; my yoga mat in hand, I walked to my regular 5:15 Wednesday class. There were no hints along the way until I rounded the corner to walk upstairs at my gym towards the yoga studio. I saw more people than normal, lined up laying on mats on the floor. Bodies and mats were closer than normal to fit us all in, packed like sujvathsana sardines. The silence was deafening when instead of our guru Renata, the owner of the gym entered the room. He broke the devastating news that the gym would no longer offer yoga classes. That we could practice on our own, or in groups..but there would be no more instructors.
The group quickly divided into pockets of different reactions. One die-hard group went right to down-dog and invincibly went forward with their practice. Others resigned to kick-boxing or step...and then there was my camp. We sobbed and carried on like the poor souls at the Astrodome, weeping on our mats at the loss we had incurred. How could life go on? It would never be the same... (to be continued)

Namaste Nightmares

This morning I awoke relieved to discover that my dreams were not reality. My nightmare unfolded like a suspense-horror film. The day started like any other; my yoga mat in hand, I walked to my regular 5:15 Wednesday class. There were no hints along the way until I rounded the corner to walk upstairs at my gym towards the yoga studio. I saw more people than normal, lined up laying on mats on the floor. Bodies and mats were closer than normal to fit us all in, packed like sujvathsana sardines. The silence was deafening when instead of our guru Renata, the owner of the gym entered the room. He broke the devastating news that the gym would no longer offer yoga classes. That we could practice on our own, or in groups..but there would be no more instructors.
The group quickly divided into pockets of different reactions. One die-hard group went right to down-dog and invincibly went forward with their practice. Others resigned to kick-boxing or step...and then there was my camp. We sobbed and carried on like the poor souls at the Astrodome, weeping on our mats at the loss we had incurred. How could life go on? It would never be the same... (to be continued)

Learn From Your Elders

I DID IT! All you who said I had to pay my cingular bill--in your face! Sorry, I'm so thrilled that I got my roaming charges cut in half. After a week of considering bad credit (in which my friend reminded me i would need to buy a new car next year and finding a real estate opportunity in which i might want a second mortgage). I decided i was too young to hang up my coat and hide from bill collectors.

When I told my friend about my success, she asked, "can you get my bill reduced?"

So I'll tell you how I did it. Most importantly it was not on my own. I did the all famous "conference call" with my father. He is a master of such things...the main qualities my father possesses that lead to his success in bill disputes are as follows: a calm demeanor, "old school" business words like credence and party line (definition is the 1950's version of a conference call !), and a certain aloofness. OH, and don't forget probably the most important TIME to spare and PATIENCE. No matter how savy us young-uns are, there is something to say for the lost quality of aged experience mixed with a genuine aloofness, and half a day to settle a dispute!

I was smart enough to keep my mouth shut for most of our call. It took 3 cingular reps hearing our story to get to someone who actually had the authority to negotiate with us--but we finally got there. But kudos to my dad for his perseverence, skill, and yes, cluelessness. He fought the noble battle for his daughter, and kept out of Iraq references, sware words, and defiance. His daughter needs to take some anger management classes from him :)

I Told Craig's Mom

I told her what happened when I posted an add on Boston's Craig's list...
So, everyone's seen some of the uncensored pics on craiglist..hell, some of us only open the messages with pics!
But what I experienced goes to new levels--where virtual anonymous offenses meet reality.
So, I posted a harmless ad on women s. women..to hang out with on the cape. I get two particular repsonses that are from couples.

"Are you interested in a couple?" they wrote.
"A couple of what?" I replied.

He proceeded to explain that he was straight, his girlfriend bi...and would like to meet up in P-town for drinks.

I said i wasn't interested. He still sent me a picture.

The next couple had a similar request. This time, less naive, in repsonse to "are you interested" i wrote...

"Do you mean SEX?"

He sheepishly replied..well, drinks , dinner, if we hit it off...sure!

Once again, not interested, but enjoyed making him admit what he wanted.

So, on my own, i go out to Vixen in Ptown to have an adventure. While talking to a nice girl at the bar...i spot them---the bleach blonded barbie/ken couple...their hair so bleached they lit up the dark club. They were so obvious..sitting on the arm chair together peering at the women who they could prey on. The guy so obnoxious, he spoke so loud that everyone overheard him..his lame attempt to try and meet people. And then, even when I offered no eye contact, he demanded to know where i was going when i left the bar to get away from him.

I confided in my new friend who that couple was and how they were desperately trying to arrange a threesome for themselves. It was so great to know who they were, while remaining unknown myself. It really gave me some satisfaction to spread their "motive" to some women i met...it made up for how obnoxious it seemed to assume that lesbians would ever be interested in THAT!

Craig's List

I am imagining Craig's mom, who lives in a humble house in a suburb of San Fransisco..."Why Craig...you said it was a tasteful way for people, like you and your friends' friends to meet. You showed me how to dial up on the internet and see the web site you created, your "baby", you used to call it. Not many moms knew how to use the internet then, I was one of the proud first...a far cry from a grandchild, but still i was proud. You never did take the straight path--the peace corp and national parks, and living in dingy apartments in Frisco. I was proud. But I have to say I am shocked! I went on your site yesterday, seeing the progress...and there are some awful filthy things. You should be ashamed. Really. And your name is all over the country!"

Craig

Cutting the Chord

Ah, sweet confrontation. Sometimes it brings out my better side. So today I ended my 4 year dysfuntional relationship with AT&T/ Cingular Wireless. This summer they couldn't credit my account for roaming charges, like they had done in the past. "Cathy" who couldn't provide me with a contact phone number or email (sure sign of excellent customer service) told me my roaming charges were justified. I said, "and some people say bombing Iraq is justified". This southern belle (at least she's in the domestic US) was silenced. I continued "we're human here, and your customer service isn't what I signed up for with AT&T, so I'd like to cancel. The dumb robotic woman asked, "do you have any friends who would be interested in our service?". I said, "why would I ever recommend this service which i think sucks, hence i'm cancelling my service...?" once again, silenced.

She proceeded to threaten me with cancelling charges, and what our relationship "could have been". I said...your loss...and by the way, i'm not paying any of the bills you send me...get your collecting agents geared up! Have a nice life....

Why does this oddly resemble bad break-ups?

Balloon

A first grader took out a condom in Spanish class yesterday. He was stretching it, blowing it up, and getting attention from his classmates for his little toy.
When i took it away from him (in a napkin) i asked where he got it. He said at home..."i want my balloon back".
You should have seen this mother's face when i had to ask her to keep her personal things "out of the reach of children"...yet, now she won't be able to reach them...and I think its probably best she does.

ouch..that's harsh--i love her son--- but stupid people are parents.