American Bidet

I'm going to attempt to write this as discretely as possible.

So, after taking a ____, I really wished I were in Europe. The bidet was a cultural blessing left behind. I mean, this daily function is part of our lives. I sometimes find myself organizing my routine around this bodily function. I love it when it works that I shower afterwards. Not only do I feel purged, but refreshed and squeaky clean.

But its unfortuanate that we haven't incorporated any solution into our daily living to always experience this cleanliness. I don't know if i'm the only one out there, but I've started wishing they would create a special "bidet wipe". The American solution would be to make some disposable something or other that ruins our environment, but keeps us antiseptic.
Have YOU ever wet a tissue or toilet paper and created your own? Answer that honestly. :)

You all probably think I'm the grossest person ever, and this ain't doing much for my love life, but its important to me.

So, someone has to help me--i don't know how to create links, but you've got to go to www.bidet.com

I've realized in the past, anytime i come up with an original idea, its already out there. But i still think someone could take this idea and fly.

Teenage Wasteland

That's always been one of my favorite expressions, and a recent occurrence with a middle schooler brought it to life again. We were sharing stories of our worst injury ever. When this certain 8th grader who had a history of piercings, hair dye, and breaking the school's uniform code, had her turn to share...

she lifted up her shirt and exposed this rectangular looking burn on her stomach. What is that?...we asked.

"I layed on a curling iron...for like, 15 seconds before i felt the burn."

ouch!

Just imagine what this girl's bedroom is like, and take a trip down memory lane!

A Really Good Movie

Monday night I rented a great movie called "Broken Wings". Its an Israli film which won a few awards, rightly so.
It'a a family drama, tear-jerker, but really really good.

A Wave from Ellen Degeneris

She should be so lucky to hang out with us. We pitied poor Ellen Degeneris as she flopped into her pretzel-legged sitting position on the set of her show in NYC yesterday. She was stuck inside working when she could come out with us into the Big Apple to watch the Marathon on a beautiful fall day. Of course, we realized ironically, that it would take a lot to peel us away from watching the set. From a balcony seating, much like the muppets, we perused the crowd below, the Ellen Degeneris crew. Speculation and imagination became one in the same as we created stories to match each person. First, and most importantly, was the Ellen double. She danced around stage in her sneakers, argyle sweater, and short hair so accurately that my friend figured out who the set was for. When we realized this chick was a double for Ellen, we had to find out which people were acting as doubles of the guests for the show. There was a big, bearded Michael Moore look-a-like, a Liza Minelli (!) pink beret lady, some football player with his football prop, and others. What a hoot!

After intense criticism of outfits and style in general, we decided that Ellen would surely be having more fun with us. Just one afternoon was all we wanted, to roam around Central Park with Ellen and have her see how funny we were! Or even to watch her crew from above and make fun of people. I finally decided it was time to move on only after a very gratifying moment. I waved to Ellen and she waved back! A smile and a wave! That was cool. Next time, we'll offer her our autographs.

Honk If You're Depressed

Yesterday evening I was humbly making my way through Center City towards the Ritz, to see a movie and escape the Bad News Bush. All day I had been down and frustrated. How could this asshole be re-elected? As I passively sat in traffic on Market Street a commotion got my attention. There was a huge mass of people turning onto Market, ignoring the traffic light and parading down the street. I heard honking, and then saw the sign "Honk if you're depressed." I got wrapped up in the moment and honked my horn. Before I knew it I was laughing and making eye contact with the protestors.
There was this warm fuzzy feeling of unity among the Anti-Bush brigade and it made me happy. At least we have a sense of humor.

It helped me to move on a little, and realize we all still exist--fellow intelligent, humane people. And eventually we will feel represented by our leaders. Hopefully.

Halloween Wussies and Pussies

So at our school's Harvest Festival for elementary students, I was talking to a mother of a first-grader and sixth-grader. It was the 6th grader's birthday and she was taking her friends on the Scarey Tour of the Eastern State Penintentiary. "Have fun," I mentioned to the mother. She asked me if i had been on the tour.
Yes, a few years ago.
Is it scarey?

well, i don't get that scared at those things.

the mother replies. "Well I'm a big PUSSY. I get scared. And my daughters are PUSSIES."

Oh really? I said. I couldn't believe what she was bleating out! With children and adults around! At a school event!

When are "parents" going to realize that they shouldn't try to use colloquial language? I mean, they are removed from contemporary lingo almost by definition of being a parent. It reminded me of a time when my mom first started using the word, "cool" and "sucks". It just doens't jive. Leave our expressions alone and use your own old lingo.
And, WUSS, the word you wanted to use was WUSS!